Monster

geurilla pen

at 3:50 pm

I initially wrote this review for the 3 film boxset ‘The Classic Horror Collection’ which contains this film as well as the very good ‘Hands of the Ripper’ and the awful ‘The Uncanny’ If you can get that boxset cheap I would advise doing so as there is at least one good film in it.

The Monster aka ‘I Don’t Want to be Born’ is in many ways a terrible film but for me certainly has entertainment value and so therefore I would recommend watching and making your own minds up about. It concerns a vengeful ‘dwarf’ who having been spurned by Joan Collins somehow possesses her new born baby and goes on a killing spree (yes the baby) displaying feats of superhuman strength along the way. Quite why this awful revenge is visited on Joan and her circle for such an innocuous reason is a mystery, after all the dwarf is still merrily alive doing his stage acts. It would have been far more consistent and believable if she had killed the dwarf or if he had killed himself but this is not a film that bows to convention, consistency or rationality. The acting is surprisingly ok which somewhat makes up for the ludicrous plot. Entertaining overall, probably not one for pregnant women or new born parents. 2 and a half out of 5.
Rating: 2 / 5

Paul Ess.

at 6:38 pm

This one’s an absolute classic! Joan Collins plays an ex-stripper married to a business high-flier (Ralph Bates with a tragic Italian accent), who’s baby is cursed by a lecherous, sleazy dwarf (Hercules!!), who’s amorous advances she’s rejected.

Consequently, said child is a homicidal hulk who bites chunks out of people and eventually goes on a murderous rampage.

Ralph is one of the first to go, bless him – hanging himself in the garden before conveniently disappearing (unfortunately he died in real life before the film did !).

It’s left to a nun (not a priest see, that’s to make sure we don’t confuse this with ‘the Exorcist’!!), played by Dame Eileen Atkins (who Colin Farrell apparently tried to seduce in a hotel room recently !), to finally do battle with the malevolent midget-spirit in a hilarious scene where he writhes round on a stage full of strippers while the evil in the cot is excised (I’m not bothered about plot-spoilers on this one, surely none of you out there are daft enough to see this ?).

And what is it with dwarves and the supernatural anyway?

I usually find a swift kick in the groin soon dispels any black magic on the stunted demonic front. And if they were given numbers, like jockeys, we wouldn’t have this trouble in the first place. (!)

For the sake of the – God-help-us – review, Joanie looks great; well into her 40’s, suspenders and black-lace well to the fore but she never convinced me for a second she could cut it up the ‘dancing’ pole.

Ralph Bates I felt really sorry for. Apart from his accent, there’s no reason for him to be in the film, and there’s a cameo from sexiest-woman-in-the-universe (but lousy actress!) Caroline Munro; who’s been inexplicably dubbed with a jellied-eels Barbara Windsor-style Cockney accent.

Donald Pleasence (and my heart went out to him as well), has a look of bereavement about him as he miraculously delivers his lines as the child’s cynical doctor.

The whole tawdry mess is (incredibly!) directed by Peter Sasdy, who did some good early 70’s Hammer flicks including the best Dracula sequel: ‘Taste the Blood of…’ and the superb ‘Hands of the Ripper’, one of the studio’s finest films.

So what he’s doing in the middle of this inexcusable dross-fest is a mystery on a par with the Marie Celeste.

Italian exploitation legend John Steiner (‘Caligula’ ‘Salon Kitty’ ‘Cut and Run’ etc.) plays a sleazy strip-club owner who gets to bed delicious Caroline; I HATED him for that and cheered loudly when he got his come-uppance.

It was the only cheering I did during the whole dreadful experience though I must confess – I enjoyed writing this review…some kind of exorcism of my own perhaps..?

‘I Don’t Want to be Born'(and I was cursing my own mother after watching this one!) is a stink-riot of the highest order.

I can’t describe it any better than that without phlegm…
Rating: 1 / 5