Manos, the Hands of Fate

Ciaron Drain

at 9:41 am

Manos Hands of Fate is a 1966 Horror movie this is a film that just about makes Santa Claus conquers the Martians seem well less bad. Produced as a result of a bet, Manos was an independent production by a crew that had little or no background or experience in filmmaking and with a very limited budget at their disposal. Upon its theatrical debut, the film was critically slammed, and remained in obscurity until its Mystery Science Theater appearance. It has since gained infamy as one of the worst films ever made. This version is actually region 0 which does not make it any better.

The only really outstanding performance has to be Torgo

With such lines as

I am Torgo, I take care of the place while the Master is away.

There is no way out of here. It’ll be dark soon. There is no way out of here

But master, you have six wives. Why can’t I have one for myself?

The film is only worth watching really for Torgo, it is a truely dreadful film it may be worth watching MST3000 version first just to work out a resistance.

This film should be watched at a Halloween party with lots of alchohol to numb the pain

Rating: 5 / 5

E. A Solinas

at 12:45 pm

Warning: “Manos: The Hands of Fate” may cause nausea, vomiting, nosebleeds, disorientation, coma, vampirism, alcoholism, backaches, headaches, stomachaches, athlete’s foot, stabbing pains, and the overwhelming urge to hit yourself in the face with a big mallet.

As you can probably guess, this is one of those movies that lives up to its reputation as one of the worst movies ever made — an achingly slow, absurd, random mess of hilariously bad EVERYTHING. And without the guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000 around to lampoon it, you’re left with a movie so bad it makes Ed Wood look like Guillermo del Toro, and so boring that it could be used as a sleep aid.

A generic all-American nuclear family is apparently going on a sightseeing tour of the US’s farm fields, when they stumble across a weird house out in the middle of nowhere. The only person there is a twitchy guy called Torgo (John Reynolds) who talks constantly about “The Master” and has enormous knees. Oh, and there’s a pair of teenagers making out in a car who are told off by a nosy cop, who are then dropped and never seen again.

Anyway, anybody who has EVER seen a slasher movie has already figured out that there’s something diabolical afoot — the Master turns out to have a harem and a giant regent mustache. He also worships a weird deity named Manos (which means “Hands,” meaning the movie is called “Hands: The Hands of Fate”), and he’s determined to pull the nuclear all-American family into his web of evil, pedophilia and hypnotism. It’s hard to care, honestly.

“Manos: The Hands of Fate” is one of those movies where every single aspect of it is a disaster. I literally tried to find some positives in this movie, and they could all be counted on one hand with fingers to spare. It somehow comes as no surprise to me that writer/director/producer/star Harold P. Warren was a fertilizer salesman, and it comes as even less of a surprise that he never made another movie.

It doesn’t even manage to be one of those movies that’s so bad it’s hilarious (like Ed Wood’s) because it’s simply so boring. The first several minutes are spent watching FIELDS go by, and the entire movie drags by at a glacial pace (how many minutes are devoted to Torgo tottering around?).

As far as cinematography goes, it looks like Warren filmed the entire movie with old cell phone that was dropped in a toilet — it’s grainy, wobbly, and full of glaring lighting and murky sound. The dialogue sounds like it was made up after a bad bender (“You have failed us Torgo. For this you must die”), and the soundtrack is just plain cheesy. And there are all sorts of random scenes that feel like they were cobbled together with no storyline in mind (the teens in the car, who are chastised by the police, leave and are never seen again… what was the point of that?!).

And of course, there’s the acting: there is literally not a shred of talent in the entire movie. The actual acting is so wooden it could be chopped up and made into a table, and all the reactions are a few beats late, as if they’re waiting for somebody to yell, “Act scared! Act evil! Act angry!” The family is so bland and devoid of personality that it’s impossible to care what happens to them. Tom Neyman is hilariously wooden as the evil Master, and John Reynolds spends the whole movie twitching, blinking and staggering (for reasons that are never explained in-plot), sort of like a bearded Kristen Stewart.

“Manos: The Hands of Fate” is too boring to be hilarious, too bland to be weird, and too abysmal to be watched. Here’s a tip: if you must watch it, try taking some hallucinogens first — it certainly can’t make the movie any worse.
Rating: 1 / 5

Mrs. D. Moncrieff

at 2:41 pm

If you thought that the worst film youve ever seen was the worst film youve ever seen,FORGET IT!.For you have seen nothing like MANOS and will never want to again,its so BAD that its actually worth watching it just so you can experience exactly how a group of people without a budget,direction,screenwriting ability and any form of acting talent come together and mess it up beyond words.Really though,you have to see the film atleast once.
Rating: 1 / 5